When the Waves Finally Hit: Uncovering the Buried Pain

Healing truly does come in waves, as I mentioned in my previous post. Over the past couple of days, two powerful waves crashed within me, unearthing a layer of pain that had been long buried beneath the sediment of denial. This experience was nothing short of a profound unveiling, a moment of clarity that brought with it both pain and an unexpected sense of relief.

My healing journey didn’t begin with loud epiphanies or grand gestures. It started with whispers, mere echoes from a distant past that seemed almost impossible to decipher. Moving to Canada was the catalyst that set these whispers free. As the relentless pace of American life faded into the background, something deep within me began to stir.

The hum of anxiety that I had always associated with my drive to succeed grew louder, becoming an unsettling rhythm that beat persistently in my chest. This wasn’t just a facet of my personality that I could brush off; it was an uncomfortable feeling that took root in the deepest corners of my heart. Perhaps those fast heartbeats and held breaths were signs all along, warning me that something more profound was at play, something I had unknowingly carried for years.

In Canada, life changed drastically. My social circle vanished, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t drive. I was left with two years of enforced stillness, two years where the distractions of a busy life were stripped away, leaving me alone with my thoughts. The over-functioning drive that had served me so well in the United States found no place to hide here. It was in that silence, as I sat with myself, that the screams in my head, screams I had spent years drowning out, became impossible to ignore.

Yet, it wasn’t until the pandemic that the silence became truly deafening. The forced isolation and introspection required me to confront parts of myself I had long avoided. That persistent “dream” that had haunted me for 54 years suddenly came crashing to the forefront of my mind. For those who have followed my journey, you’ll know what that “dream” was, so I won’t rehash it here. What this first wave revealed to me, however, was the painful truth: this “dream” was not just a figment of my imagination; it was a memory, a real, lived experience. But it was only on that day that I allowed myself to fully see how that singular moment in time had snuffed out my little spark just as it had begun to shine.

Understanding and accepting how this single moment had such a profound impact on me was pivotal. It was the first step in unraveling the persona I had carefully crafted to keep myself emotionally safe. That little spark, extinguished in a moment of fear and confusion, left a void, a void I tried desperately to fill with over-functioning, people-pleasing, and a relentless pursuit of perfection and self-abandonment. But perfection was never the answer. It was only through acknowledging this truth that I could begin to heal. This realization also opened the door to a much-needed grieving process, grieving the loss of a healthy relationship with myself and with others, chipped away by my unmet needs, fears, and more. Little did I know that the universe was about to uncover deeper truths for me with a second crashing wave.

The second wave hit just the following morning during a walk on a trail with my husband. I’ll share more about that in my next post, as it deserves its own space. But for now, I’ll say this: that wave came out of nowhere and hit me with an intensity I hadn’t expected. For a moment, it was as if all the lights on the imaginary boat of my life went out. And with that, the emotion attached to that early life event began to wash away. It was as if the wave had taken all the pain with it, leaving me with a sense of clarity I hadn’t known was possible.

Now, for the first time, I can see clear skies on the horizon. I can’t wait to reach that next shore, to step off this boat and feel the firm land of my truest self beneath my feet.

Before I end this, I want to talk about how these revelations led to the creation of my song Never Knew, now playing on my YouTube channel. This song was born out of this process, out of the acceptance of this truth and the release of the pain I had carried for so long. Never Knew is a reflection of the moment when I finally understood the depth of my wounding, the moment when I allowed myself to feel the full weight of that buried pain. It’s my way of sharing this journey with you, of opening up about the layers of protection we build around ourselves and how those layers can only be lifted when we face the truth.

As I continue to navigate these waves, I hope that Never Knew resonates with those of you who are also on this journey, those of you who are peeling back the layers, one by one, and finding the strength to face the pain underneath. It’s a long and winding road, but every step brings us closer to the shore, to that place where we can finally stand tall, with our feet firmly planted on the ground and bask in our inner light.

Thank you for walking this path with me. We’re in this together, and I’m deeply grateful for the connection we share.

☥