Learning a New Emotional Language: Breaking Free from Intergenerational Trauma

Recently, I came across a powerful video from Jewel, the singer, where she spoke about learning a new emotional language as a means of growing up. In the video, she shared her experience of feeling lonely and disconnected during a time when she was homeless, and how these feelings persisted even as she rose to stardom. She reflected on the importance of remaining vulnerable, not just as a means of staying grounded, but as a way to avoid the isolation that often accompanies fame. One of her quotes resonated deeply with me:

"I needed to learn a new emotional language, but sadly I didn't have the resources for adequate mental health care or a school to teach me. So I set off on my own to see if happiness was indeed a learnable skill." - Jewel

This sentiment struck a chord with me because it touches on something profound: the process of breaking intergenerational cycles of trauma and the courage it takes to learn a new way of being.

The Brave Act of Breaking Intergenerational Cycles

Breaking intergenerational cycles of trauma is one of the bravest things a person can do. It’s not just about recognizing the pain and patterns that have been passed down through generations; it’s about confronting them head-on. These cycles are often born out of experiences like neglect, abuse, fear, or unprocessed grief, and they become deeply ingrained in our family dynamics.

For generations, these traumas manifest as behaviors or beliefs that are meant to protect us, beliefs like "I'm not enough," "I must be perfect," or "I can't trust anyone." These survival mechanisms may have served a purpose at one time, but I’ve learned that they can also trap us in cycles of pain and disconnection.

The Vulnerability of Dismantling Old Patterns

Once you begin to dismantle the protective barriers that prevent you from seeing your pain, once you start to recognize and release the limiting beliefs that have guided your life, an unfamiliar sense of vulnerability can set in. You may hesitate, questioning who you are at your core if you're no longer operating under these old patterns.

This hesitation is normal. If you’ve spent a lifetime, maybe 55 years 🙋🏻‍♀️ being the over-functioning person, the one who always has it together, then the question becomes, "If I am not the over-functioning person, who am I then?" The discomfort in this question can stall progress, because it feels like you're losing a part of your identity, the very identity that has helped you navigate life thus far.

The Power of Owning Your Flaws

But this is where the real transformation begins. Owning your flaws and brokenness is not a sign of weakness; it is an act of liberation. By acknowledging the parts of yourself that you once tried to hide or deny, you begin to lift the insurmountable weight of shame. When you own your shortcomings and imperfections, they lose their power over you. No longer do you have to fear that someone else will use them against you; not even yourself, because you’ve already made peace with them.

And when you stop being afraid, you open up the possibility of showing up for yourself with kindness and compassion. You start to see that your worth is not tied to being perfect or strong all the time. You learn that it’s okay to be vulnerable, to have needs, to be seen in your entirety, flaws and all. This is where true healing happens, where you can begin to redefine who you are outside of the survival roles you’ve played.

Creating a New Legacy Rooted in Authenticity

It's in this space that you can start to create a new legacy, one that is rooted in authenticity, connection, and self-love. Thank you, Jewel, for your vulnerability. You knew the weight of loneliness in poverty, and you were not willing to experience the same mistake with fame. I love that!

By learning a new emotional language, by stepping into vulnerability, and by breaking free from old patterns, we can all begin to write a new story for ourselves, one that is rich in connection, compassion, and true happiness.